Paradoxical Intent

Go Carts Are NOT Cool

2009-03-03T21:22:00.000-08:00

Strange Title for my Post . . . I know. Well, that was the subject of an email I received this morning. Well, not exactly, but close. It actually said, "Go carts are cool."

So, I curiously opened it. It was from one of those "let us set you up with our son" kind of things. I am learning not to trust friends or relatives to set me up with anyone. The last friend that set me up to meet a guy didn't realize that he was living in a motel and only interested in the kind of women that might visit him there. This guy was actually the son of a guy at my mother's church. His father had coerced my mom into giving him my email. He thought it might be fun to set us up.

I am posting the email as it was quite shocking. Names and identifying information have been changed to protect the innocent (his poor, poor parents). This was a fascinating email. I was speechless after reading it.

RE: Go Carts Are Cool

Now that I have your attention. haha. Who could resist opening an email with that title. Hi my name is ______. My dad told me I should email you. What's up when your own parents are pimping you out. I hope you didn't pay them anything. haha. Anyways, my dad is _______. He said he met you and you were nice & I should write you. Geez, dad. I all growed up, quit bossing me around will ya? haha. Well a little about myself, my name is _______. Hey wait, I already said that didn't I? Hmm. I'm 35. I live in Plano. I like puppies and long walks on the beach, and laying in the grass looking at clouds and imagining that they are puppies or long walks on the beach. hahano let's see personally i like smoking crack cocaine, beating up homeless people, gambling on the special olympics, and porn. just kidding. well except the porn. i mean hey, with the internet just shoving it in your face like that, it's rude not to look at it. haha. kidding. So me and a couple of guys from work the other day decide to hit the strip clubs. You know, I guess they're just not for me. I just couldn't understand why all the dancers just kept waving their penises at us. hahaha! jokes & jokes & jokes. that's one of my favorites.Based on absolutely no information at all, uou sound like someone I'd really like to get to know better, or so I've been told. haha.So if you'd like to know more about me, on with the show. You got questions? I got answers? Wait, I think I'm now quoting Radio Shack slogans for some reason. C'est la vie! Anywho. So after you go, it's my turn. We'll ask deeply interesting and awkwardly painful questions back and forth. Sound like fun? And you have to answer honestly. Don't be shy. Ask away. But let's save the "kinky" stuff for later. I don't put out on the first email. hahaha - more like 5th or 6th - hahahaOr we can skip all this and go out and see what happens - I promise - no groping - unless of course you use the safe word "fudgesicle" and then I'll know it's cool to cop a little feel - hahahaha

That was the end. Amazing! After a quick push of the FORWARD button on my email, I responded to his father as to why his son couldn't find a date.

So, that is all for today. I love you guys (again as though many of you are reading this), and I am out of here!

Maybe this is why I didn't get invited to Regent . . . see next post!

2009-03-02T21:03:00.001-08:00

Mundane Task #1

2009-03-02T20:44:00.001-08:00

While I could share a number of things with you all. I will refrain. I am tired. I had to brush my teeth before going to bed, so I filmed that. I thought it would be refreshing to document the mundane tasks that we accomplish everyday without thinking about them. I hope that you enjoy and always remember to brush your teeth! A special note to my regular readers (as though there are so many of you): blog your own mundane task video. Let me know it is there, so I can check it out. Good night!

We're going on a trip . . .

2009-02-24T04:59:00.000-08:00

We’re going on a trip . . . (a game played on the flight home after interviewing for Regent’s PhD program)
This is an age old traveling game. It always starts like this, “I’m going on a trip, and in my bag I’m taking a . . . “ Beginning with A and proceeding through the alphabet, you take a letter and name something that you will pack. The game gets progressively harder as with each subsequent turn, you must remember a longer chain of items packed in the suitcase.
Here is a transcript from Heather and I’s game:
I’m going on a trip and in my suitcase I will bring. . . .
. . . . . An Aspirin.
. . . . . A blue bath mat
. . . . . Curlers
. . . . . A Duck (this was particularly funny as we had a duck traveling with us this weekend)
. . . . . A Tiny Elephant (to be friends with the duck)
. . . . . Fudge
. . . . . Grease (the movie or for your hair; I’m not sure)
. . . . . Hair pins
. . . . . Interest
. . . . . A Jump Rope
. . . . . A Kite
. . . . . Lip Medex
. . . . . Money
. . . . . Noodles from Vietnam
. . . . . An Open Mind
. . . . . Pretty Princess Dress
. . . . . Quiet
. . . . . Red Lipstick (to clash with the pink in the pretty princess dress)
. . . . . Safety Kit (this was said right after we heard a scary noise in the airplane)
. . . . . Timer
. . . . . Ugly House Shoes
. . . . . Voucher
. . . . . Wildwood (this was our second attempt; we forgot the first; both of us)
. . . . . Xanax (or Valium or any other anxiolytic drug to calm our nerves while flying)
. . . . . Yo-yo
. . . . . Zebra-striped sweater (I needed a sweater of any kind this weekend; it was very cold)

Heather loves to play these games. Actually not. She even looked at me a bit strangely when I suggested it. I feared that she might even refuse to play. What she didn’t know was the whole purpose was to get her mind off of the take-off process. And it worked for the most part. We are now safely flying at 28,000 feet in the air, and she never even had a panic attack. Pretty smart . . . even if it was just a game I learned in Kindergarten.

Funniest Things by Brandi and Heather

2009-02-21T21:52:00.000-08:00

I saw a man that could be a stunt double for Rainbow Brite in the DFW airport on Thursday. He sported a multi-colored argyle sweater, orange belt and turquoise socks. Quite a sight to behold!

Brilliant planning is middle seat, writer guy on the outside, carry on too big to go under the seat in front of me - magazines, gum, snacks, and breath stuff releated to the overhead bin.

Somewhat-phobic, slightly-hypocondriacal friend assigned to drive through the Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel.

Slightly-manic, definitely-taunting friend decides to obsess about the depth, breadth, and wonder of the claustrophobic deep, dark, underwater tunnel - drawing back to scary childhood memories. New form of immersion therapy! No Freudian slip intended.

Light-Free Cigarette Substitute . . . use where smoking is prohibited, do not lite up!

Going first on the introduction phase of stupid, nerve-wracking PhD interview. Brilliant move. There is a reason the last shall be first.

Eating shellfish at Captain George's All-You-Can-Eat-Fresh-Fish-Buffet when you know you have a slight allergy to large quantities of shellfish! It doesn't quite add up.

Watching man at adjacent table eating a least 25 live crabs as though he thought they might eat him first. Smelling his wife's smoke filled breath as she eats a giant piece of cheescake with her nicely manicured "man hands." I wonder which of them will die first!

Waking up without a requested wake-up call on the morning of our Regent interview ("Sometimes we have these computer glitches," replied Cheryl.)

Being mocked endlessly by locals who couldn't grasp the fact that driving over a twenty mile bridge in the middle of the ocean was a novelty to us landlocked Dallas-ites.

Finding out that a Self-proclaimed Snow-boarding White Boy was our Hibachi Chef at Shoguns (AKA - Petie) while sitting next to an adult juvenile wearing fake eyelashes and fangs! Who said that our end of the table would be more fun if we were drinking! Imagine the nerve.

Sunset in Virginia

2009-02-21T19:59:00.000-08:00

A collection of pictures

2009-02-21T19:42:00.000-08:00

A collection of pictures having lunch with my friend in Colonial Williamsburg.

She had Chicken Crepes. I had Eggs Meurette. She had tea. I had a Coke.

It was a great little place called Blue Talon Bistro.

Meet Buckley and Siggy . . . they're here to stay (so it seems)

2009-02-10T16:47:00.000-08:00

Today was a bit unusual as I got home earlier than norm. I subbed for a teacher gets off at 3:00 rather than 3:45. Since I wasn't feeling well (even now running a bit of a fever), I took advantage of the break and headed home. No sooner than I had gotten situated on my couch, there was a knock at the door. Actually not quite a knock, it was more of a muffled conversation as though a discussion was going on outside of my door. What I saw was the last thing I could have imagined. When I opened the door, there they stood . . . two ducks, slightly out of breath having just waddled to my second floor apartment. I know, I know, if I hadn't of taken this picture you wouldn't have believed me. Trust me, it was quite a surprise! Who would've thought? Ready to settle back into my comfy couch, I invited them in. After all, what could two little ducks do. One of them looked like I could say, "BOO!" and he might burst into tears. It was the green duck, named Siggy, that was ready to walk right in. Buckley, the yellowish duck was a bit more hesitant and apparently looking for an escape route through his blurry tear streaked vision. I think the stairs would have been too much for little Buckley, or he might have taken them. It was Siggy that waddled in, and Buckley reluctantly followed. I still do not have a lot of information about the pair, but I am keeping an eye on them as they nap in the corner of my living room. I was serious when I said the stairs were a bit too much. I too have been napping. I am not sure what lead them here to my second floor apartment; but as soon as I find out, I will let you know. For now, just know that we are all settled in and resting. I am hoping that they do not catch my flu.

And I wonder why I'm not losing weight . . .

2009-02-10T16:27:00.000-08:00

I love to get a cup of coffee each morning in our school office. It is made fresh by our principal as he arrives earlier than the rest of us (I guess that's why he makes the BIG bucks). I always thought that it was fine (an alternative to a Dr. Pepper), after all I just add a bit of creamer and some sugar packets. Today, however, I discovered something that changed my perspective. As I poured my usual three heaping, and I mean heaping, tablespoons of creamer into my cup (filling the small, styrofoam cup about 1/4 of the way to the top), I glanced at the side of the creamer can. Not only did I find out that each teaspoon I put in comes with 10 calories, but it also carries with it .5 grams of fat. I quickly figured that by loading up at 3 tablespoons each cup (I typically have two cups), I was adding an additional 90 calories and 3 grams of fat with each cup. By the time I drink two a day (approximately 180 calories and 6 grams of fat), I figure that I am almost better just drinking a soda. Now I know, probably neither are very good for me, so perhaps I will have to retire my early morning routine of coffee in leui of a good ole fashioned glass of unsweetened water.

All in a day's work

2009-02-10T15:33:00.000-08:00

As a substitute at a local middle school, I routinely witness various activities - both endearing and annoying - by the students. In my stint as a substitute, I have seen children attempt to surreptiously pass notes, utilize cell phones, cheat on tests, blow spitballs from various orifices, and believe it or not - even pee on one another in the bathroom. Amazing, huh? Well, I thought I had seen it all, until today. My day had gone smoothly. The students were well-behaved and respectful - each one having a test to complete by the end of the period (I love it when teachers actually leave substantial work for their little angels.) My day was perfect, that was until . . . .
. . . A quiet, unassuming student enterred the room, I still thought nothing of it. Yet in her pocket, she smuggled in a modified, writing utensil. You see, she had creatively turned her pen into a mini missile launcher. Attendance was completed, tests were distributed, the students were working, and I was perusing a book for school (it was a quite miraculous that all four of these things were happening simultaneously at a middle school) when out of the corner of my eye, I saw something whiz by the heads of my now distracted students. Luckily, the student admitted to using what my principal later referred to as a "prison tool." The student went into the hall without a struggle. It was out of the sight of classmates, that I was able to collect the object that when carefully aimed could have been used to put out one of my eyes. I felt successful, the student returned to the classroom to complete her test, and I had retained both my eyes.
BBRRRRRRRIIIIINNNNGGGG! The bell rang, and the student approached. "Yes," I looked at her with interest as to what she might possibly need. "Can I have my pen back? I need it to write with in my next class?" And of course, we all know my answer. As she left the room, I was smiling. Quite a creative student!

My laugh for the day . . . and no, this did not happen to me

2009-02-02T20:47:00.000-08:00

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you remember: you've been listening to your iPod.

Science Coach Desperately Needs Our Help . . . That is, When The Cameras Aren't Rolling

2009-02-02T20:07:00.000-08:00

Just before Christmas, one of my vice-principals called a meeting with me and another perm substitute. He had had this brilliant idea that anytime (even 5 or 10 minutes) we were not busy filling in for one of the 75 teachers that might be absent on any particular day, we should go down and build rapport with the science kids. I said that we would gladly do that as soon as the Science Coach would provide us with the specifics on which kids in each class need our help. I also asked that they send us a copy of the weekly lesson plans, so we could go in with some prior knowledge about the lesson. Of course, this never happened. After Christmas break, another meeting was called to get everyone on the same page. Finally, the lesson plans started rolling in. Since then, both of us have gone into the Science classes in our spare time. The resource teachers have also been enlisted to hang out in the Science classrooms. In fact, we frequently run into each other while we are up wandering around the classroom, and the teacher is sitting at their computer while the Science Coach teaches a lesson. Today was different though. I found out filming was going to be taking place 2nd period. So, that explained why everyone was so dressed up, and I was the only one that hadn't received the memo with my uncombed hair and wrinkled pants that had just hours earlier been crumpled on my bedroom floor. I get it now! Anyway, just before filming I touched base with our Science Coach to find out if they would need me to stick around. Surprisingly, I was told, "Oh, no! That would not look normal for filming to have that much support in the classroom." Go figure! I thought they were filming what actually took place in the classroom, but I guess I was wrong.

The Sound of Sepia

2009-02-01T20:06:00.001-08:00

Happy Belated Birthday, Katie!

2009-02-01T13:38:00.000-08:00

Here is a picture taken while celebrating Katie's birthday at Simply Fondue! Although I am amazed a place that would charge $2.00 per bite on a 20-bite, 4-course, self-cooked meal is still in business, we had a WONDERFUL time. The truth is it is the longest amount of time that I have spent over dinner in awhile. We had 3 hours of cooking, story-telling, laughing, and catching up. I would not have traded it for anything. Happy Belated Birthday, Katie!

Too boring to blog?

2009-02-01T13:15:00.000-08:00

This whole blog thing is harder than it looks. I know several people that have started one, and they slowly drop off the face of existence in the blogging world. You know who you are! I am finding that may be very easy to do. Blogging illuminates what sometimes I would rather not admit. Although I am working on it not being so, my life easily becomes just a set of well-timed organized events. It involves working at a Middle School, going to school myself at Dallas Baptist University, my internship, and doing the mundane tasks of living day-to-day. I mean really, who wants to know about my trip to the grocery store, my Sunday afternoon napping, or my latest appointment at the dentist?

If I had to come up with something to write about from my day today (Sunday, February 1st), it would be my discontent with church. I have been on a bit of a break from that, although I miss going. I would love to visit some churches, but I hate going by myself. It makes me question my motivation. I wish that I could say that I go regardless because of the deep connection I feel with God at church. But instead, I feel as though I go in and out without ever really being noticed. Without really ever connecting with people. Maybe if I went for several weeks or months, I would get to know some people, but it is hard to actually push through the immediate loneliness and isolation that I feel going into a place where relationships are already established, and I know nobody. I have been hearing for the last several years that it is just the stage in life that I find myself. Single and 32. I am not a part of the young college age singles, but I am still not apart of the 40+ crowd of singles either. Hopefully, I won't find myself fitting in that group in another 8 years.

This is a depressing post. I am not quite sure how to end this . . .

One Shoe, Two Shoe, Old Shoe, New Shoe

2009-01-31T16:47:00.000-08:00

Ice day stream of consciousness

2009-01-28T04:30:00.000-08:00

I got the text at 5:38 AM. It read, "No school. Its ashley. Have a wonderful day!"

Immediately my mind is flooded with thoughts and questions . . . suddenly I am WIDE AWAKE!

I turned off my typical 6 AM alarm. I wondered if I needed to make a call for my school Weather Chain. I realized I did not even know who I was assigned to call . . . oops! Hopefully, it is not one of the big wigs. They might be irritated that I forgot to call, and they showed up for no reason. But surely I am at the end of the list; after all I am just a permanent substitute! Something that I am slightly embarrassed to say that I do. It seems weird to have once taught, and now be a perm sub. It is a constant reminder that I burnt out teaching Special Education after 5 or 6 years. The Weather Chain is similar to the old-fashion prayer chain in Baptist Sunday School Circles, but used on weather days to contact the faculty at a school. Oh how I remember! My mother standing talking on the phone in our avocado green kitchen to one of the prayer chain ladies in her class. Speaking of Baptist churches, my professor the other day mentioned Training Union, another relic of Baptist churches. Trying to stay current, most have gone the way of Life Groups or Home Groups in the last decade. I seriously need to go back to sleep! But wait, I want to look outside to see just how bad the ice is. Not too bad from safe inside my warm 2nd floor apartment. I remember overhearing a conversation between our school secretary and a substitute born in New York yesterday, "This is a joke. I am from New York. We see much worse than this!" she said referring to Texans reaction to the possible ice on the roadways. She is probably out driving around, even as I type, showing off her New York snow driving skills. I go to crawl back in bed, but my stomach is growling. I ate dinner too early last night - Spring Creek. I sit down in my living room to see what is happening with the weather on TV. Sure enough, I see that Irving ISD is closed. Like I needed to verify the text I received. I guess it could have been a prank text, huh? I check to see if any Clean House episodes are on. No such luck! It takes a lot for IISD to close. I am slightly disappointed because it will affect the day off I was going to have right after my birthday. I should eat something. Maybe an egg and english muffin. Toasted, of course!

It is now 6:55 AM. I am still wide awake. I am still hungry. I suppose I will have to take a nap.

18 Random Facts About Me

2009-01-27T18:23:00.000-08:00

1. My Granny had a picture of me with a purple scarf wrapped around my head on her nursing room wall for a long time. I thought it was funny. She always commented about that picture, lovingly referring to me as her "idiot grand daughter." She and I loved to laugh together. In the last year, I let the stinch of the nursing home, my busy schedule, and a plethora of other things keep me away. I regret not spending more time with my Granny before she died.

2. I did not learn to subtract until I was in my 20s. I guess I should have learned that around 2nd grade. Somehow borrowing with several zeros was always confusing. I finally taught myself when I was a Resource Teacher working with kids that did not know how to subtract. I am struck by the irony of it all.

3. Though I've never applied, I've always wanted to be a Toll Booth attendant, Secret Shopper and Greeting Card Stocker. There is something alluring about the monotony and isolation.

4. Although it would be mortifying to weigh in on a giant truck scale wearing an exercise bra , I have always wanted to be a TV star on THE BIGGEST LOSER.

5. I walked a half marathon several years back. I always thought it was strange that my two big toenails fell off shortly after that. I guess my shoes were too small. I kept them in one of my cabinets for a long time (gross, I know). I threw them away the last time I moved.

6. I never walk into a room with the lights out.

7. My favorite snack as a kid was a slice of turkey, a piece of longhorn cheese, and a dill pickle (with the ends cut off, of course) rolled together and held with a toothpick. I called them "ordains."

8. After returning from Mexico, I spent several months sitting around my house in pajamas, painting pictures and writing as my own form of therapy. Quite a healing process. I recommend it!

9. I had two beautiful plants, a peace lily and an ivy, given to me after my dad died. When I left for Mexico, I gave them to some teachers at my school. There wasn't really another option (my friends and family don't have green thumbs), but I regret letting them go. I wish I had them back.

10. I have never lived on the first floor of an apartment. It seems much safer to be on the second or even third floor. The only problem is that I frequently envision myself walking up the stairs and falling backwards to my death. Not a pretty picture!

11. I like the idea of having a book of strange pictures on my coffee table, but I have no coffee table. Years ago, I thought a book of road kill would be great. I took one picture of that. It seemed weird to be taking pictures of road kill. Of late, I spent a year taking cell phones pictures of my shoes. My cell phone fell in a cup of water in my car, so my pictures are gone.

12. I had a roommate years ago (she will know that I am talking about her); we used to stay up late at night spelling conversations to one another. When that got boring, we would speak backwards. I think it helped me improve my scrabble scores.

13. I played the cello and the violin for 8 years in the school orchestra. I never learned to really read the music. I quit my senior year in high school, so I wouldn't have to go on the week long orchestra trip. I always wish I had tried the piano, but I don't think music is my gift.

14. I ran out of gas one day because the book I was reading was in front of my gas gauge. Go figure!

15. While driving a special needs child home from school, I had to be rescued by Wichita Falls fire fighters after submerging my mom's car in a body of water. Both of us were fine. My mom's car was not.

16. In 1998, I had 3 wrecks in 3 months: October, November, and December. These were intermingled with several tickets. Not good for the driving record. It took a long time to get a good rate on my insurance.

17. As a child, I believed that I the bathing experience was not complete without 2 towels - one for the body and one for the hair. My poor mother . . . Now that I do my own laundry, I believe that 1 towel every few days is sufficient. I think that I will tell me kids that they can share one towel each week.

18. Several years ago, I was obsessed with writing poems to the tune of "The Old Rugged Cross," and other Baptist hymns of faith. Topics ranged from mold on the food in the refrigerator to my rommate's experience as a nurse at work that day. My 30 to 40 songs/poems were lost when my friends computer crashed. Today I wonder if that really occurred or if she was simply tired of me singing them. Somewhere in it all, my inspiration was lost.